Hard Truths
by WARPED KAWAII
Summary: Snape survived the war but spends his days poured into a bottle feeling lost without death on his back. Hermione is just trying to feel something in the wake of peace. together they learn to cope with the hard truths they've been avoiding. focus on, sex, addiction, toxic relationships, depression and survivors guilt.
1. taking agency

**Well this was a rollercoaster to write! I'm pushing my comfort zone a bit and writing a bit darker than I'd usually write. Please be aware this story will include Substance abuse, toxic relationships, addiction, lots of swearing and sex. **

**I had the idea when writing 'stand beside you', to sort of subvert some of the common Fanfiction tropes that happen in Snamione fics. so I hope you like it! each chapter is going to take a little longer since i'm aiming for longer chapters this time. **

**please enjoy and leave a review! I do not own anything you recognize in this story. **

Each morning the sun rose, and each morning Severus Snape would curse it. The war had been over for a year and he had no idea why he had been unfortunate enough to survive. He had lived his life on an edge, teasing death but staying just out of its grasp and when he opened his arms to finally submit to its siren call, Hermione Bloody Granger had poured half a bottle of Dittany on his gaping wounds, whisking him from deaths sweet embrace.

So here he was, lauded for being a hero, mooned over for his tragic love story and with absolutely zero idea of how to live in this peaceful post-war world. So he did what any other emotionally stunted, depressive person with survivor's guilt and no reason to keep going did.

He spent all day, every day pouring himself into a bottle and picking up his life where he left it before taking that blasted mark on his arm. Living in that manky Cokeworth hovel, going to underground rock concerts, doing drugs and getting to fights in dive bars.

21 years had passed since he was the angry, dirt poor mill town boy fresh out of Hogwarts that Lucius Malfoy had helped into an apprenticeship. He'd been molded into the man everyone knew as Professor Snape. He was molded by Lucius to fit in with wizarding high society, to move in the right circles and make the right connections. He was molded by Dumbledore to be the teacher, the fall guy, the perfect spy.

Even he hardly knew who he was anymore, as he stumbled out of his bed and into a shower, wincing as the spray hit the black eye he'd won the night before, he knew this wasn't him either but being this Severus made him feel a hell of a lot more alive than he'd felt in a while.

He lit up a fag as he was he was sipping his morning coffee already ticking down the hours down until he could crack a bottle of beer instead. It wasn't so much his value in what was considered a socially acceptable hour for drinking it was more his personal rule to never started drinking earlier in the day than his father would have. Since the frequently unemployed man would Crack his first can at half past ten Severus never did so before noon.

It was 9:30 when he decided eating something might be a good option, but he his barren cupboards forced him out of the house instead. It was fairly warm out for march, he wore some simple muggle clothes, black jeans and a relatively clean t-shirt he'd plucked off his floor, this one being a rather threadbare Pink Floyd shirt he'd picked in a charity shop years ago.

He squinted in the bright light, as he walked down the nearly empty streets of Cokeworth. A large portion of the houses were boarded over now, with graffiti splashed around the brick work and the small gardens grown over. The whole area felt like it was giving up it's death rattles as more and more of the buildings were bought up by developers.

He made it to the small market that forever stood on the corner six blocks from his home. His mum would send him here to buy loaves of bread with coins scraped together from digging through his fathers pockets as he laid passed out on the sofa. He'd come here as a teen to shoplift basically anything he could get his hands on.

He couldn't blame the owner for the glare he received when he came old man followed him from isle to isle watching him as he grabbed tinned beans, bread, eggs, and some tomatoes. When Severus got to the front to pay, the man carefully rang up his items and then looked Snape over carefully.

Snape sighed and said. "If you wan to pat me down you'll have to take me out for a good time first. I'm not that kind of girl." The man looked aghast and finished ringing him up and taking his money quickly just wanting to get to younger man out of his shop.

On the way out Severus noticed a woman walking down the street heading in his direction. Her short silver dress left little to the imagination and her chunky heels dragged along the ground as she shuffled along. As she got closer Severus didn't hide the fact that he was checking her out, he knew she wasn't a working girl. Her dress was too nice and the way she folded her arms around herself told him she wasn't comfortable in it. It was far to early even for the most desperate women of the night.

She kept her head down as she walked past him, still standing in front of the shop. He let out a low whistle as she passed, muttering "Nice arse." under his breath. She wheeled around to glare at him asking in her proper haughty voice who he thought he was talking too, but she was caught off guard by the sight of him.

"Hermione Bleedin' Granger in the very exposed flesh." Snape growled out.

"Professor." she gasped out.

"I'm no one's professor any more Granger." His voice dripping with disdain for the girl who cursed him to this life without purpose. "If you'll excuse me I'd rather not be seen talking to you."

"Is it because I'm a muggleborn?" she said angrily.

"No, Its because I don't fancy a solicitation charge." he said icily, he started to walk off ignoring her scandalized "how dare you!" but she was waking a few steps behind him, he turned back to her and growled. "must you chase behind me like a lost puppy?"

"I'm not chasing you, you prat." she hissed. "I was walking in this direction before you were."

"Why are even in Cokeworth, walking around like you're on the pull at 10 in the morning anyway?" He looked her up and down, her smudged eyeliner, the faint pink of smeared lipstick around her lips, the obscenely short dress at ten in the morning, ah ha! His hungover brain may be slower but he still put it all together. He felt as gleeful as a kid on Christmas. "You're on a walk of shame! My my, the princess went out and got herself an end piece last night didn't she!"

"You're disgusting!" she spat, trying to turn away from him, her face burning red.

"Why don't you just apparate where ever home is then? Or do you like parading down the street looking like a tart, so everyone can know you got railed by some random chav you met at a club"

She mumbled something, looking away from him. Her arms were folded over her body, like she was chilled even though the sun was shining brightly.

"Don't mumble Granger." His teacher voice coming out.

"I said I didn't bring my wand with me!" she snapped, clearly regretting her mistake.

"Are you stupid!?" He yelled, before realizing he was in public and stepping close to her and speaking in a furious whisper. "How could you be so reckless? Anything could happen to you, even in the muggle world! You could have run into Death Eater sympathizers or even been attacked by a muggle! Do you know what kind of degenerates live around here!?"

"I'm not a child!" She spat. "Like bloody hell you are" he said under his breath, she ignored him and continued, I went to a muggle concert and a muggle bar with some muggle friends. It was all perfectly safe and I even found out what bus to take home. I left my wand at home. It's not like I jumped into a lions den in a meat dress."

"You're on a goddamn tart walk!" He said angrily "Clearly you didn't use the brain you profess to have. Safe isn't following random stranger's to their homes to get stuffed."

"Must you be so obscene?" Hermione said, she turned to walk away, clearly fed up with him at this point but he fell into step beside her, lighting up a smoke as they walked. He offered her one which she refused and he shifted his groceries on his arm as they walked. "I'm just going to the Bus stop and then I'll be out of your hair for ever. You don't have to walk with me you know."

"I'm not walking with you, the bus stop your talking about is just past my house. Were going the same way." He said coldly. They walked on in silence for a moment before Hermione's burning curiosity got the better of her.

"Sir? What happened to your eye." she said quietly, sneaking glances at the large purple bruising.

"I was a bit on the piss last night and picked a fight with some rugby bloke." He said with a bit of a smirk. "and don't call me sir. That's not me anymore"

"What should I call you then?" she said.

"Fuck if I know Granger," he said stopping, "this isn't the start of some star crossed friendship. This is my stop, yours is up there. If you want to pop round for a good rodgering I won't turn you out, but other wise piss off." She looked scandalized, by his foul mouth started to storm off, as she neared the bus stop she found it occupied by some rough looking young men, who started cat calling her when they saw her approach.

"All right then Lovely?" one called, "you lookin' for a party?" if it had been just one she would have given them a dressing down, in her posh, middle class way. But there were four of them, yelling lewd things and the bus wasn't due for another 20 minutes. She felt absolutely out of her depth and frightened for the first time in a while.

Sighing she turned back to Snape's house. "The devil you know." she sighed. She quickly walked back to the gate but found he'd warded it. The group of men had started coming towards her now, she looked around the empty street, with all the boarded up houses and started to panic. Rattling the gate and yelling "SNAPE!" she turned and found they'd surrounded her, still saying lewd things, leering at her like dogs at a steak.

She pressed herself into the gate, hoping he could hear her. Hoping for something. Suddenly the gate opened and she scrambled through without looking back. When she looked up she saw Snape glaring at the group of men.

"I suggest you all leave."He said slowly, the laughed. The ring leader was posturing, getting in Snape's face and puffing up his chest.

"You got yourself a right little piece there old man!" The young man said. "We just wanted a little chat with her."

"I'm sure used to women fleeing your presence in panic and disgust so surely you didn't misinterpret the message. Leave." Severus growled.

"You better watch it old man! I run this neighborhood! I'll fuck you up if you try to step to me.!" the followers chorused with "yeahs!" and "Mess him up tony!" The boy threw sloppy punch that Snape easily caught. Twisting the arm behind the the youths back he leaned down and whispered in his ear. The young mans eyes went wide and his face went white, the second Snape let him go he ran, his friends following close behind.

Hermione stood up and was thanking the Snape when the bus she was supposed to catch flew right past her stop with out so much as tapping the break. "No! That was the only one for hours!"

"I seem to recall mentioning the area is full of degenerates." Snape said mockingly. "I bet that wand you left at home would be pretty handy right about now."

"Can I use your floo then?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"It's not connected."

"Oh..." she sighed and looked back toward the bus stop, hooligan free for now, but who knows who would come stumbling by in the next couple hours.

"Oh for fuck's sake." Snape rolled his eyes. "Come in then. I'll apparate you."

Hermione was struck by the sitting room she just walked into, It looked as though a mid century librarian were rooming with a teenage boy with a number of vices. Rows and rows of books, but also beer bottles and ash trays covered multiple surfaces, Dirty clothes strewn over the floor and furniture. A record player and a number of vinyl albums were covering one end of the small dining table.

"If you don't mind I'd like to eat first, I'm still a bit hungover," He looked her up and down. "I imagine whatever wanker took you home last night didn't bother to feed you before you left, so your welcome to join me."

"That would be lovely thanks." she said politely.

"Don't do that." he said stalking off to the kitchen.

"Do what?" Hermione hurriedly followed him. "I'm just being polite."

"Exactly. I much prefer your company when you're disgusted with me and angry." He handed her a can opener and a can of beans,(pan is on the hob" he said) before putting bread in the four slice toaster. "at least that's real. This Mrs. Manners bullshit isn't how you really feel about me so why act like it is."

"It's how I was raised. You're being nice enough to let me into your house, I'm not going to be rude to you." she sniffed.

"No, don't want to disappoint mummy and daddy, what would their friends say at bridge Thursday!" he mocked. She mumbled something under her breath. "What was that Granger?"

"I said bridge night is Wednesdays." she was breathing hard now, trying to keep calm as he needled her with out mercy. Snape merely smirked and started frying tomatoes and eggs. Hermione only huffed and started heating the beans.

When the food was plated Severus carried the plates to the table, moving some of his albums for Hermione to sit. "Thank you she said quietly."

"You're doing it again."he said annoyed.

"I don't see why me being polite bothers you so much." She said, she wanted to be annoyed but she was starving and the food was exactly the thing she needed after her wild night, "This smells amazing by the way."

"I know my way around hangover food. Lots of practice" he said, tucking in straight away. "Polite, meek people are dull, and you are hardly meek and dull."

"Thank you?" she said unsure of how to process what appeared to be a compliment of sorts. "You seem like a completely different person than the teacher I remember at Hogwarts." She observed.

"That man was a construct, a machine built to fulfill a purpose. That man died with the war." He stabbed his tomato a bit more violently than intended.

"So is this the real you." she gestured around the room. "A drunk with a foul temper and even fouler mouth?"

"Like father like son." he said scornfully. He didn't like to think of himself as a drunk, it hit to close to home. He hated any parallels between himself and his father. He liked to pretend he was better than Tobias Snape because he never married and had children. No, the Snape line would end here and the world would be a better place for it. Thinking there was a need for a change of subject he asked. "I'd particularly like to know what evening plans you had that facilitated leaving your wand at home?"

Hermione turned red again, still regretting the decision. "I told you I went to a concert with some muggle friends, then we went to a muggle bar."

"what concert?" He said.

"Backstreet boys." she mumbled, Severus outright laughed at her embarrassment.

"I never pegged you for some bubblegum pop bimbo." he said through his laughter. "So then you went out for cosmos and hooked up with the first reasonably attractive muggle you saw?"

"Why are you so focused on how I spent my night?" she said through her teeth. He noticed she didn't correct his assessment. "I'm an adult, I have sex. I drink and sometimes I do those things in the muggle world. I couldn't figure out how to store my wand in this dress so I left it at home. Happy!" she sat back and crossed her arms. Severus was still chuckling.

"Surprisingly yes." he said honestly. "Was it at least good sex?"

"I don't see how its relevant." she sputtered

"You took a huge risk, going anywhere without a wand." he shrugged. "If it was good at least there was some reward to that risk."

"I'm an idiot." she groaned, putting her head in her hands.

"I'm not one to judge a person's drunken choices." he said pointing up at his still black eye. "I mean its still hilarious and I'm going to laugh about this day for years, but I won't judge you for it."

"Thanks for that I guess?" she was finding it hard to know how to handle this man.

"I thought you an Weasley were a thing?" he said pushing away his empty plate. He held up a pack of cigarettes "do you mind?" She shook her head. "If you wanted sex why not go to him for it?"

"Ron wanted to get married at the first mention of dating." she said. "I am not ready for that in any way. As much as I care about Ron I don't want to be tied to anyone for a while."

"So you prowl around for boys in bars every time you feel a little randy." He raised an eyebrow. "hardly sounds satisfying." he took a long drag of his cigarette.

"well, its been an experiment, its safe to say it's not working." She said with a sigh. "I may just buy a vibrator, at least that way I won't have to put on ridiculous dresses to get an unsatisfying feel up and I may actually enjoy it."

"Have you never cum?" He said shocked. She burned red again, it was embarrassment so much as how erotic and dirty he tended to make everything sound. "No wonder you're so uptight."

"I am not uptight!" she said in a clipped tone.

"Sure." he slowly blew out smoke, looking over at her. He stood up. "You ready?" she nodded quietly. "where to?"

"Grimauld place, I'm staying with Harry." she said not quite able to look at his face now.

"Lovely. I assume the front step is still the standard apparition point?" She nodded. He wrapped an arm around her, even though he really didn't need to and leaned down and whispered in her ear. "I was being serious earlier, if you ever want to get a leg over, no strings, no questions you know where to find me." she didn't have time to even react before he twisted and with a pop they are on the steps of the former order of the phoenix. He face burning and her body tingling in all sorts of new ways.

The door flew open before Severus had even had time to pull away and Potter was standing there looking worried. "You were supposed to be home last night! Where were yo-Professor Snape?" He merely eyed potter.

"Remember what I said Granger." He looked into her eyes before turning and apparating away.

"Hermione?" Harry looked completely lost. She just sighed and pushed past him into the house.

"I'll fill you in later Harry. I need a shower and to get out of these shoes."

Back at spinners end Snape fell into his favorite armchair with a bottle in hand. Watching the clock strike 12 he twisted off the cap hoping she'd take him up on his offer. It wasn't a matter of attraction, although he couldn't deny she was attractive, it was just the appeal of sex with out strings. Without putting in the effort to find one just drunk enough to actually want to sleep with him and not so drunk he was crossing some moral line in the sand. Then having to scarper in the morning because he didn't want them thinking he was looking for more.

Going to bed with an attractive willing woman who didn't want anything beyond the night and maybe breakfast was...ideal.

It took about a week. That Friday night a tipsy Hermione Granger Set off his wards as she stumbled past his gate. He barely noticed having been pretty drunk himself at that point and blasting 'The Clash".

He stumbled his way to the door and pulled it open. He was shirtless, black jeans slung low around his hips. He leaned in the doorway with a cigarette hanging from his smirking lips as he watched her eyes drag down his body, swallowing slightly when she got to the trail of black hair that led into the front of his pants. He was thin, but muscular and covered in scars , including the still angry purple scaring around his neck from Nagini's bite

He was looking her up and down lasciviously. She was dressed in another rather short tight dress, this one a metallic blue, Her hair was pulled back with two little tendrils pulled out to frame her face, and her chunky heels made her a good four inches taller. He was still taller by quite a fair bit and when he leaned forward he would see she didn't have a bra on. "I imagine you didn't dress this way for me."

"I was out at a club with my friends." She said nervously.

"Come in." he pointed his wand at the record player and lowered its volume. "Drink? Although It looks like you've had a couple already." he said as she stumbled around. He handed her a beer and sat down on the sofa. She followed suit but sat down primly on the edge. "If you're really here for what I think you're here for you needn't be so damn proper. I plan to have those ridiculous shoes in the air very shortly." He growled.

Her whole body flushed at his words and her mouth opened slightly. He could see how he was effecting her. She was effecting him too, his erection was growing, straining against the black denim prison it was trapped in. He didn't bother to hide it, instead he leaned back displaying his crotch and visible erection for her viewing. She squirmed a little in her seat.

"All you have to do is ask for it Granger. Say the word and I'll ravage your body until you can't walk straight." He said nonchalantly taking a swig of his beer. He thought that she looked like a lost puppy in that moment. He could see her trying to figure out what to do next. She was clearly aroused, but he could see she needed a nudge to go over that edge. "Are you frightened Granger?" he said smoothly.

"Yes. I am" she whispered.

"How do you usually go from the club to a stranger's bed?" He spoke softer now, in an attempt to get her comfortable.

"I drink, they say 'wanna come back to mine?' and if they look cute I go." she almost wished the ground would swallow her up, hearing her say that made her sound so easy it was almost pathetic.

"And then you have a quick shag with a fumbling idiot who shoots his load in two minutes leaving you dissatisfied and even more frustrated than before.?" he finished for her, to which she nodded. "Just this one time, you don't have to ask then. Granger, do you want me to fuck you?"

She gasped, her skin prickled at the word, and she felt so warm. She could hardly breath. She nodded, swallowed and whispered. "Please."

He was on her in the next moment, kissing her, running his hands up her thighs, nibbling, suckling and tasting every inch of exposed skin he could get. At first she was unsure what to do with her hands but they soon were sliding all over his chest, lightly scratching when something felt good.

He stood up, and pulled her up with him, never breaking the kiss he unzipped her dress and slid it down her body, relishing the feeling of her breasts rubbing against his body. When he finally stepped back to see her he growled in appreciation. Her breasts were small and pert and delicious. He immediately took one dusky nipple in his mouth sucking until was swollen and tender, then he did the other.

He found her to be a fairly vocal partner, he hadn't even gotten to the good part yet and she was already moaning. He took a moment to slid off his jeans, his cock swollen and red bounced as it popped free. She audibly gasped when she saw it, which did quite a bit to stroke his already fairly large ego.

He sat back on the sofa now and pulled her down between his legs. She took the hint rather quickly, growing in confidence with every moment, and took him in her mouth, licking all around the head in swirls before sliding down as deeps and she could before sliding back up his length while pumping with her hands.

"Holy Fuck Granger!" he groaned. She inwardly grinned at his response and made a sad little noise when he pulled her away. "Enough of that, you'll end the night before we can begin." he pushed her back on the sofa and slid her sodden knickers down her thighs.

Her pink core was now tantalizingly laid out before him, shimmering with her juices. He slowly slid on finger inside her, massaging her hard nub with his thumb and he pumped a single finger in and out. She was squirming and moaning and losing control of her body, he added a second finger and she began to pulse and shake as her first orgasm ripped through her body. He sat back feeling rather proud of himself as she caught her breath.

"That was amazing!" she said after a few minutes.

"And were not even remotely done." he placed a kiss on her hip, then nipped and licked his was down before taking his first taste of her. She was even more sensitive now and after a few quick flicks with his tongue in just the right spot she came undone all over again.

He sat on the couch and puller her on top of him, kissing her again. She could taste her essence on him mixing with beer and cigarettes and the faintest taste of her vanilla lip gloss.

"Have you ever ridden a cock Granger?"he growled into her ear. She nodded earnestly, he could see a hint of that old eager to please Granger but in this context her didn't quite mind so much. "Get to it then." he ordered groaning as he slid into her tight quim. She was slowly rocking her body up and down his length. He could practically feel her nerves as she moved rather stiffly.

He didn't want to hurt her feelings so he grabbed her hips and stood up, pushing her against the nearest wall he began to slam into her. Her legs were now wrapped around his waist and and he felt her relax and find the rhythm and within minutes her nails were clawing down his back as her moans rose in pitch he could feel her begin to pulse around him.

"Shit!" he said pulling out just in time to spray hot ropey cum all over her flat stomach and thighs. He fell back on the sofa breathing heavy before smirking at the picture she made, wearing nothing but those hideous shoes and his baby batter. This was an image he was going to hold on to for many years to come.

He grabbed his wand and vanished his mess, before tossing her back her dress. Which she gratefully took and slid back on. She had felt more than a little exposed with him watching her despite the face he'd been buried face first in her vulva moments earlier.

"You don't have to leave right away. If you want to stay until breakfast we can do that again in a couple hours." he winked at her as he pulled his jeans back on. She sank onto the couch gratefully, looking much more relaxed than she had been before.

"I feel as though I've been hit with a jellylegs jinx." she sighed.

"Good sex will do that to you." he lit a cigarette and leaned back. "want one?" He offered, she refused as usual. "Enjoy the afterglow, its the best part. Your body is loaded with endorphins and serotonin right now. Everything feels good."

"I don't think I've ever felt my brain this fuzzy." She closed her eyes to bask in the feeling a little wh. "I can't help but feel slightly cheated by men before. If it can feel like that why wouldn't anyone try a little harder?"

"Its not men who cheated you, Its boys." he said. "and you cheated yourself."

"How did I cheat myself." she asked, opening her eyes and looking at him.

"You take no agency in your own sexual pleasure, you put yourself out there to be used hoping its going to be good without making effort to find out what you like yourself." he said looking over at her.

"Ouch." she said dryly. "I take agency, you liked how I sucked you off well enough." she huffed.

"Exactly, you're great at that, but can you make yourself cum." he stamped out his butt, leaning towards her. "If you were to go out and pick up some bloke off the street could you walk them through making you cum?" she looked away, tears stinging her eyes, she didn't like feeling called out so harshly for her failings, especially by Snape. "I'll fuck you as many times as you like, anyway you like, and make it damn good while I'm at it, but unless you start taking control and telling me and any other man you sleep with what you want you're never going to be totally satisfied."

"You have a very unique talent at making me feel like shite. You know that, don't you Snape." she said. He felt a little bad, he was just trying to help her but he was, in his most honest opinion, utter trash so it was to be expected he'd cock-up the effort.

"I...apologize." they sat in silence for a minute before he noticed the record had run out and was playing static for a while now. He got up to shut it off and put the album away. When he came to sit back down he she had slid off her shoes and tucked her feet under herself. He found he was pleased to see she'd decided to stay despite his utter lack of tact.

"Before Hogwarts, I went to an Anglican private school, all girls."she said finishing her beer. "My parents are fairly devout and very proper middle class, British as can be. So the summary of my sex education was being told 'when the time comes on your wedding night lie back and think of England' and Lavender Brown's scandalous stories in the dorms at night."

"Sounds most ineffectual." she laughed in agreement.

"It's safe to say it was. For years I thought it was automatically supposed to feel good, and when it didn't I thought there was something wrong with me." she replied.

"Like all things it takes practice, and a bit of knowledge." he said gently.

"I'd like more practice, if you're willing to impart some knowledge."She leveled a heated look at him which he immediately returned. Without a word he grabbed her hand and dragged him back to his bedroom. A few moments later returning for the shoes, after all he did intend to see them in the air that night.


	2. The White Horse

**Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. I Have a slightly shorter chapter here but I It felt like the right place to stop. This chapter gets a little darker and we start delving into drug use and depression. there's a lot to unpack in this chapter so I really hope you enjoy it. I'd love to read your thoughts on it, good or bad so don't be afraid to leave a review. **

When Severus woke the next morning he found Granger next to him, his thin sheets clinging to her naked body. She shivered slightly in her sleep, so he grabbed the blanket that had been discarded for being in the way last night and gently laid it over her before quietly shuffling out of the room.

He started a pot of coffee before deciding to have a bath this morning. Being in a remarkably good mood after the night before he wanted prolong the feeling. Grabbing a joint from the little box he kept on top of the fridge and his lighter he settled into a hot bath and lit up. After a few moments he heard Granger coming down the stairs.

"Snape?" she called out tentatively.

He exhaled,coughing loudly, before managing a choked "In here." He'd left the door open and she appeared in the frame, back in the dress from last night, wrinkling her nose at the smell wafting out. "You smoke?" he said offering her the source of the offending smell.

"No. I see you do though." she said, he could practically see the judgment dripping from every word. He rolled his eyes and took another hit, holding it in as he closed his eyes and laid his head back. When he finally exhaled he took a moment before speaking.

"I do a lot of things. Trust me when I say this is probably the least offensive." he looked over at her and noticed she was squirming slightly. "Need something?"

"I need to have a pee." she blushed.

"By all means." he waved a hand at the toilet next to the tub. She didn't move, and he rolled his eyes again. "I've had more than once body part buried deep inside your quim woman. You needn't be embarrassed by this."

"Can you at least close your eyes?" she asked sheepishly. Taking a hit once more, he clapped a hand over his eyes dramatically, and sunk into the water, holding his lit joint still well above the water. He emerged when he couldn't hold his breath any longer, seeing her close the lid and flush and start to walk away.

He grabbed her arm before she could go, causing her to gasp and turn towards him. "Get in here." he said with a smirk. She flushed but slid out of her dress and climbed in. He pinched out the joint and set it on the back of the toilet tank for later before pulling her close to him and kissing her. It wasn't as heated as last night, it was more relaxed, even tender.

"Why are you like this?" Hermione asked after a few moments.

"Like what? I'm a lot of things you'll need to be specific." He drawled. "why am I sensitive lover? Why am I so well hung?" continuing to kiss her neck and jaw.

"I meant the drinking, the smoking...the _pot_.." the last one was whispered like she was afraid saying it would get the cops banging down the door. He pulled back sharply.

"Come back in 21 years after living your life as a double agent for two mad men who set you up to die and we'll see how long you last before mainlining heroin into your eyeballs." he sneered. "Don't sit there and judge me when your the one who showed up drunk on my doorstep gagging for a shag."

"I didn't mean-" she started but he cut her off.

"Didn't mean what? I don't need legilimency to see that you think I'm some kind of human train wreck." He pushed her off and got out of the tub. Wrapping a towel around his waist he turned back to her once more. "I'm doing what I need to do keep from myself sane when I wake up everyday knowing I'm supposed to be dead." he threw a towel at her and sneered. "No thanks to you."

He went back up to his room and slammed the door, his good feelings were gone, and it was way to early for a drink. He sighed and pulled on some clean slacks and a tight black t shirt before throwing a deep green collared shirt over the top. He hadn't meant to unload on her like that and knew he needed to apologize. He came back down the steps to see Granger dressed and running out his front door barefoot.

"Granger wait!" she turned and apparated away just outside his wards. "Dammit Granger!" he growled.

Seeing no choice he went back inside and found her shoes and apparated himself to Grimauld place, he knocked and it was Harry who answered the door looking surprised to see him.

"Sir? Can I help you with something?" He asked looking at him like he was an alien. Severus rolled his eyes again.

"I need to see Granger." he said flatly, not wanting to keep engaging in conversation with the boy.

"She just got home, she looked really upset." Harry replied. "I don't think she wants to see anyone right now. Maybe if you come-" Snape cut him off.

I need to see Granger." He said holing up her ridiculous shoes. Harry's face went from confusion, to realization to utter horror in a matter of moments before settling on anger.

"What did you do? She ran in here crying and barefoot and refused to talk to anyone." Harry seemed taller in his protective fury.

"If you must know I lost my temper and said things I now regret saying. Which is why I want to talk to Granger." he ground out.

"Sounds about like you." Harry said bitingly. Snape felt a fresh sting of guilt. "She's not my Mum, she'll forgive you even when you don't deserve it, which you probably don't, she's going to keep forgiving you even when it hurts her. So don't come in here if you aren't planning on never hurting her again." Harry said looking the older man uncomfortably in the eyes.

Snape toyed with the idea of trying to change, clean up his life and start something with the beautiful Gryffindor. Brew potions together, have babies, live in some rose coloured world where his vices and demons just vanished because he was in her arms. In the end he handed Harry the shoes, knowing there were no happy endings for him.

"Just tell her she deserves more." Snape said turning on the spot and disappearing. Harry turned around to see Hermione standing just outside the doorway, having heard everything.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked. She shook her head fresh tears falling from her eyes.

Severus didn't go straight back home, instead apparating into an empty side street in a somewhat middle class area. He walked around the block to a fairly nondescript house, and knocked on the door, a young man answered, wearing ridiculously baggy pants and an over sized t-shirt.

"Hey Jay." he said shaking the young man's hand.

"Whats up S-man! I haven't seen you in ages!" Jay responded brightly, "come on man, lets go to my office to chat." the man said leading him to a shed behind the house. Once inside, they sat down in ratty lawn chairs and Jay asked. "What are you in the market for my man?"

"I'm feeling the need for some H." Snape said running a hand through his hair.

"I thought you got off the white horse man." Jay said looking concerned. "you want to talk about it?"

"If I was ready to face my problems I wouldn't be here." Snape chuckled.

"Fair point. I can get you some, but I'm starting you off small dude. Most OD's happen after relapse and I'm not about having that on my conscience."

"Thanks for looking out." they shook hands.

"I'll bring it by the usual spot this afternoon." Jay said as they departed the shed.

Snape killed some time before meeting back up with Jay cleaning up a bit. Clearing the room of empty bottles and gathering up all the clothes lying around for a load of washing. He found Hermione's knickers still lying on the floor and was tempted for a half second to return those like he'd done her shoes. If only to see Potter's face when he handed them over. Smirking he just slid them into his pocket and continued on.

The hand off had gone as smoothly as ever, one of the benefits of being a wizard who could cast a notice-me-not charm. Finally Snape returned home with his prize. He climbed on a chair to reach a small metal tin on top of the book shelf and took it down before settling onto his couch. Inside the tin were several needles, a lighter and a spoon. Sliding his belt out of his pants and removing his over shirt, he began his preparations.

As he tightened the belt around his upper arm he muttered to himself. "I am not my father, I'll never be as bad as him. I'm not selfish enough to have a family." He ignored parallels between them, as he passed out on the same sofa he'd always seen his father pass out on. The only difference between the two were witnesses.

Hermione sat on her bed wearing a simple white sweatshirt and some cut offs, combing through her wet hair in small sections, Harry sat opposite holding cup of tea.

"I just want to know why you went there last night? He's not exactly the kind of person that seems like a good booty call." Harry said wrinkling his nose.

"I guess it was just curiosity, he offered and I wanted to know what it would be like." She started braiding her hair as she spoke. "he's dangerous, he's dark, he's absolutely the most crass human in the world. I think I just needed to dance with the dark again." Harry nodded in understanding having gone through similar things himself. "It's been hard, going from life and death and being on the run and living on instinct to a 9-5 and my biggest fear being wearing the same robes as another witch at a party."

"You do what you have to to feel alive." Harry said. Neither looking at the other.

"I shouldn't have said what I did to him." she said "I'm using him to feel better and judging him for using substances to feel better."

"Hermione..."Harry said warningly, knowing where this was going and not liking it.

"No, Harry. " she stood up, tying off her braid. "I'm going to go apologize for being so hypocritical"

"There is a difference between substance abuse and hooking up." Harry said trying reason with her. "it sounds like he has a serious problem you were right to call out, don't apologize for making him examine himself."

"I think I can help him." she said slipping into a pair of trainers." I'll be back later Harry." she kissed his cheek and ran out of the room.

She let herself in the gate and knocked on the door. No answer,"Snape?" She called out "Are you home?" She peered in the window and saw flopped over on the sofa and began to panic. She flicked her wand at the door. "Alohamora!" hearing it click she quickly let herself in.

Rushing to his side, she saw the state of him and realized what he'd done. She carefully took the used needle out of his hand and tried shaking him. He stirred a little looking up at her with bleary eyes.

"You are right you know." he mumbled "I am a human train wreck,"

"what did you take?" she asked in a whisper. She had never felt so out of her depth as she did now.

"Heroin" the way he said it was almost loving, like he were referring to a beloved pet. "just enough too. Bliss." she was pulling the belt off his arm when he slid a hand over her legs and then pulled her onto him. He began to kiss her neck almost lazily before pulling back an looking at her with a grin on his face.

She pulled away and tried to stand up. "I can't be near you like this." He furrowed his brow and pulled her back down.

"Like what?" he asked, his voice thick and slow.

"I don't want to be around you stoned out of your mind!" she bit out pulling away and walking to the other side of the room. Out of his reach. "I don't like you like this."

"You don't like me at all Granger." He said sadly. "and why should you? I'll only ever hurt you because I know sweet fuck all about being decent person. I wish I could be that man for you but I can't, I'm good for a beer and a shag and that's all."

"If you want to be that man then why don't you try?" a tear running down her cheek. "I can help you, you can get clean. We can help each other."

"You want to help me?" slid of the sofa and started to move towards her his legs and arms heavy and he struggled to stand. She took pity and kneeled down next to him. He looked into her eyes, his pupils constricted so tightly she could see the dark black brown of his iris clearly for the first time. "I want that." he kissed her passionately, repeating himself, between kisses.

"We'll help each other." she said quietly.

He really believed he was going to get clean, after all she'd said she's help him and once Hermione Granger said she's do something it got done. He was full of hope, ready to do whatever it took, he wanted to build a future with the witch and he promised her such.

Things were looking bright for a few hours, then the shaking started, he was clammy and pale. She tried to fix him some toast but he ended up heaving all over the floor. She sat with him through the night, pressing a cool towel to his face as he came down. He came downstairs in the morning and threw himself onto the sofa.

"I made you some tea." she said setting a cup down in front off him. "It's well sugared. You need it." He merely grunted. "How are you feeling."

"I have a new interest in the process of trepanning." he said, his voice gravelly.

"Do you think you can eat?" she asked rubbing her hand up and down his back. He found he quite liked the contact. He shook his head and turned his body and wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing his face into her stomach. "We should get rid of anything you have left. No temptation that way." He nodded, not looking up at her face.

"It's just that box." He said nodding toward the metal tin still on the table.

"And the pot?" She asked.

"Just the one Joint in the bathroom from yesterday." he said evenly, never looking into her eyes. She trusted him, she never doubted he'd be honest with her. He wanted to be honest but his need for something to keep himself sane trumped everything.

She stood and retrieved the lone joint and placed it in the box with the rest of his contraband. She stood up and took it outside to his back garden, pointed her wand at it and blasted it into a smoking hole in the ground. He watched her, feeling a sense of loss as she took it away, but he told himself he only used it to feel something, and he could feel something with her.

He put his best effort in to making a good show of clearing the alcohol from his home with her, pouring it all out. She promised as they did that she was going to be sober too. "We'll do this together." she promised. Sitting at the dining table having a couple cheese toasties for tea they were both pensive in their thoughts.

"Granger?" Severus said at last breaking the silence. "We should talk...about what this is."

"And what do you think this is." she said quietly, looking into his eyes, pupils now blown wide open as the drugs left his system.

"I don't know. I've never been with the same woman more than twice." he knew deep down he'd never love her, but he liked her, the way she felt in his arms and writhing under his body. "I...I want to to be good for you." That he really meant. He wanted to be good if nothing else.

She felt needed, the dark loner needed and wanted her and it gave her a sense of purpose she hadn't felt in a while. She knew deep down that it wasn't enough, but she could pretend as long as he needed her.

"Let's just not put labels on anything then." she said reaching out and taking his hand. "let's just see what happens."She stood and still holding his hand pulled him close to him kissing him deeply. She melted into him, and began kissing his neck drawing a groan from him. His hands slid under the hem of her sweatshirt enjoying the smooth flesh beneath.

"Granger." he groaned as she nibbled his ear, "What is it you want?" Her hands slid into his hair as she kissed him again, biting his lip lightly as she pulled away.

"You." she said. She took his hand again and led him upstairs. It was the first time she'd ever initiated an encounter, but she felt empowered by the way he responded to her touch, the hungry look in his eyes as she stripped before him. As she divested him of his clothes and lowered herself between his legs to take him in her mouth his heated gaze seemed to warm her very core. He came very close to cumming down her very inviting throat when she looked up at him with her mouth stretched tightly around his cock.

He quite enjoyed her taking control but he didn't want this to end so quickly. He growled and pulled her up to the kneel on the edge of the bed as slid down to the floor leaning back onto the bed, until his mouth was even with her dripping quim and there he latched on, suckling and licking until she was dripping cum on his chest, shrieking and shaking as orgasms tore through her body in rapid succession.

She collapsed onto the bed when her shaking legs could take no more, and after giving her a moment of recovery, he stood behind her pulling her to her knees again. This time finding her entrance from behind as he slid into her still quivering warmth.

"So fucking wet." He breathed pausing for a moment before sliding back and pulsing into her. They picked up a rapid pace, Hermione's moans and cries mingled with his own as he gripped her hips tightly slamming his manhood into her.

"Faster, oh god, yes!" she cried out, moaning as he picked up the pace, it was what she needed to send her over the edge and she began to shake as she came, screaming with her release. He pulled out just in time to spray her glistening quim and bum with his seed.

He immediately collapsed next to her on the bed, her arse still in the air and her body coated in sweat. Neither could move for a few minutes as they caught their breath. After a few moments Snape retrieved his wand fro the pants discarded on the floor and vanished his handy work from her bum. She smiled in thanks and started to get dressed.

"I should be getting home soon." she said pulling her shorts back up. He had pulled his pants on and sat on the bad against the headboard to watch her get dressed.

"So fuck me and run, eh Granger?" he teased. She could see from his smirk he was only joking.

"I have work tomorrow." She said apologetically.

"What are you doing after." He was looking at her intensely. "I don't want to wait until the weekend to see you again. Come over after work." He didn't ask, although she didn't know if she could even say no to him if he had.

He walked her to the door, kissing her gently. "We can make this work." he said in a whisper, not sure who he was trying to convince. Placing one last kiss to her hand as she walked to his apparition point just inside the gate.

"I'll see you after five tomorrow."she said before turning on the spot and vanishing with a _pop! _

He felt lost once inside for the night. It'd been hours since he'd put anything in his system and the lack of alcohol was starting to become painfully aware to him. He could have dealt with the physical effects of the sudden detox, having spent many nights curled up on the floor of his quarters at Hogwarts laying in his own sick as he shuddered through the after effects of the cruciatus curse after every Death Eater meeting, but being left alone with his own mind was too much for him.

He had stopped practicing his occlumency since the war, rejecting anything that tied him to his life as a spy. He hadn't even brewed a potion, choosing to only use his wand for minor things, almost forgetting he was a wizard at times.

When he was blitzed out of his mind he didn't have to see the faces of all the young people who had died while he lived and breathed. He could see them now, as clearly as if they were standing in the room with him. So many dead. Having Lily on his conscience had been hard enough, he could never forgive himself for that, but he could live with it.

He ran from facing the dead of the war, because he knew he couldn't live with it. As the hours ticked by he remembered another name, another face

Remus Lupin...Nyphadora Tonks...they left a son behind.

Fred Weasley...so much potential.

Lavender Brown...Collin Creevy...

So many names. Each one should have lived in his place. He lasted until 11 pm, before getting the cigar box from the top of the fridge. He carried it out to the back garden, staring at the scorched earth where Hermione had destroyed his stash as he packed a pipe.

"Just this once doesn't count." he whispered before lighting it up.


	3. Forgive me

**Sorry this one took so long! I was binge watching Game Of Thrones for the first times and I was totally lost. lol I do have a new favorite character in Tyrion Lannister though lol **

**anyway there is one more chapter after this. I hope you enjoy it! **

Weeks passed with Hermione coming over after work or on the weekends, they'd talk, have dinner. Severus would play her music he particularly liked. They'd fall into bed together in a passionate tangle, writhing and sweaty until neither could stand. And when she'd leave he'd sit in the back garden in a cloud of smoke finding relief from the ghosts that haunted him day in and day out.

As April drew to a close Severus found it harder and harder to cope. The only times he felt any calm in his mind was when he was buried deep inside Hermione. Focusing on giving her pleasure took him out of his own head and he started to crave it like he craved a drink.

He'd be pacing by his door waiting for her arrival, pinning her against his door the moment she arrived, needing to feel her warmth before he could even think clearly again. He became possessive of her, thinking of her as 'his witch'. Telling himself his lust was just passion. Hermione felt it was proof of his changing for them, his passion was him falling in love with her. The more he needed her, the deeper she fell for him.

Harry had knew Hermione had been seeing the former Potions Master, He'd explain away her frequent absences to their friends with various excuses. She'd never say where she was going to him, and he'd never ask. It was Friday and he stood in her doorway watching her get ready, throwing extra clothes and her toothbrush in a bag, she'd return Sunday night.

"Ron and Ginny are coming round tonight, can't you stay a little later just this once? It's movie night." Harry said. "They haven't seen you in weeks." Hermione sat down on her bed and looked at Harry, who stared back with pleading eyes.

"I...had plans." she said.

"Hermione." Harry came closer, she saw worry in his eyes. "He can share you with your friends for one night." he whispered. She didn't speak but nodded, knowing her friends deserved her time and attention too. She should have worried about the sick feeling in her stomach at the thought of sending a patronus and telling him she'd be late, but she brushed it off telling herself it was just new love.

"I'll stay for one movie then." she smiled. "I'll be down in a bit." Harry nodded and let himself out, as Hermione drew her wand to send her message.

The Otter bounded into Severus' sitting room where he was already pacing. "I'm going to be a bit late tonight, just a couple hours." Hermione's voice said. Her words, though benign felt like a gut punch. He needed her, he needed her and he didn't know if he could even last a couple hours. He paced with more fervor now, unable to sit still, every few moments checking the time. She showed up an hour and half later, running out the second she saw and opportunity.

He wheeled around as she came through the door pushing her against the wall. "Where were you!" he growled.

"Harry asked me to stay for movie night, Ron and -" he cut her off, pushing away from her and pacing some more.

"So you threw me over for Potter and Weasley?" he yelled, she shrunk against the wall. "Tell me, did you fuck them at the same time our separately?"

"No, that's not what happened." she felt tears stinging her eyes. "I'm sorry, I just didn't know how to say no! I wanted to be here with you."

"How many other men?" he hissed, "When you're not here in my bed? I know it doesn't take much to talk you into the sheets so how many other men are you running off to see when you're not here."

"There's no one else. "she cried.

"LIES!" Severus slammed a fist into the wall beside her, she shrieked and slid down the wall and he realized what he'd done. Her sobs, sounded just like his mothers as she huddled on the floor begging forgiveness for his fathers irrational mind. He felt sick as he slid to the floor too. "Hermione.." his throat felt tight. "Hermione I am so sorry."

She looked at him, tears streaming down her face. He used her name. He spoke so gently. He had tears in his eyes too, he crept over to her and grabbed her hand kissing it. She felt his tears on her skin.

"I don't know what came over me."He whispered. "I would never hurt you! You know I'd never hurt you. I need you Hermione, I need you and I'd never hurt you."

"You know I'd never be with someone else." she said, wiping her eyes.

"I know." he looked into her eyes pleadingly. "I was just mad with jealousy, thinking of you with anyone else. I need you. I need you." he kept whispering, pulling to close to him and wrapping her in his arms. "Please say you forgive me."

Once again she knew she couldn't say no, not when he said he needed her, not when her name was on his lips with such emotion. "Of course I do Severus." she said quietly. "I forgive you."

Severus thought back to Harry's words all those weeks ago, "She'll forgive, even when you don't deserve it." He put the thought out of his mind, she forgave him. He wasn't his father, he knew that because he was cradling the witch in his arms, that made him different. He clung desperately to that difference like he clung to his cuddle toy as a wide eyed toddler.

By the end of the weekend things had returned to their twisted normal, with the exception of the two using each other's given names. They'd barely dressed the whole time, Severus practically worshiping her body the entire time. A person could almost say they were making love, slow passionate love, but their was an emptiness in the air. They never looked deeply at each other with the fire that burns in their eyes, and neither could admit it to themselves.

When Hermione returned to Grimauld place late Sunday night, after swearing she's come straight from work the next day, Harry was sitting up waiting for her. He sat on the edge of her bed and passed her a hot cup of tea. She looked drawn, tired.

"Hermione..." he reached forward and put a hand on her knee. "Whatever your doing..It's worrying me."

"I don't know what your talking about Harry." she said avoiding his gaze.

"I know where your going. I don't know why but I can see it's draining you." He said softly. "you need to talk to me."

"I'm helping him, Harry." she said earnestly. "He needs me and I think he loves me." the words felt like ash in her mouth.

"Hermione..." Harry sighed. He knew her better than anyone, he could hear the lies she'd told herself. "and you? You love him in return?"

"Yes. Harry, he's changed. He changed for me." she gave a watery smile.

The next day while Hermione was at work Harry found himself at Spinners end. It was easy enough to suss out Snape's house due to the wards and Harry had found them easy to get passed. They were decaying and weak. The man clearly hadn't been renewing them.

When Snape pulled the door open and found Potter on his doorstep he tried to slam it in the boy's face. Harry shoved a dragon hide boot in the way and then pushed his way in.

" What do you want Potter?" He snarled cigarette hanging from his lips.

"You know why I'm here." Harry said striding over to the sofa. "Please, sit." he said as though he wasn't in the man's own sitting room. "I don't pretend to understand what is going on between you and Hermione, but I know It's not good for her."

"How do you know whats good for her!" Snape said defensively.

"She's my best friend." Harry said calmly. "She thinks this is love." Harry's steely gaze meeting Snape's.

"Maybe it is." Snape said quietly.

"We both know that its not." Snape broke the eye contact first, feeling the shame prickle on the back of his neck. Harry stood and walked to the door "I know you really believe in whatever this is..."He ran a hand over the jagged hole Severus' fist had left in the wall. "but if you care anything about her, you'll let her go, so she can build a life for herself, not runaway from her pain hidden here in this house."

"Potter." Snape called before Harry walked out the door. "I'd never hurt her."

"On purpose." Harry finished for him as the door clicked shut. Snape sat in quiet, only the sound of his heart pounding in his ears.

He spent the rest of the day unsure of what to do, hating knowing that Potter was right. He took down his cigar box and sat on his couch, setting the box on the table before him. He lit up a cigarette and stared at the box. Opening the box he took out his pipe and packed it. She'd be here soon and he didn't want to have this conversation with a clear head.

When she came in the door, he didn't move from the couch. The smell of the smoke assaulted her nose as soon as she walked in. She closed her eyes, and took a steadying breath.

"Severus." she said, her voice quavering.

"What." he hissed.

"Did you...did you smoke" she asked quietly.

"Did you smoke?" he mocked back. "clearly you're brilliance knows no bounds." His voice was dripping with venom she'd not heard in a while.

"Severus, Whats wrong? Why are you acting this way?" she cried.

"I'm bored of this game." He drawled. "Letting you fuss and fawn over me to feel good about yourself. Seeing how many times I could get you on your knees before me. It's growing dull." He stood up and walked up to her, smirking wickedly. "Did you think this was real? That I loved you?"

She was backing away from him, tears streaming down her face. "Please Severus, you said you need me?"

"Tell me Granger," He spat, "What did I need you for? Saving the dangerous death eater got you wet, you were fun for a fuck. That's it. I don't need you, I never needed you and you, you stupid bint, were to foolish to realize."

He backed her to the wall, placing his hands on either side of her, before leaning down and whispering. "It was fun, but it's all a lie and we both know it. I have never and will never love you." with those words, those truth filled words, she ran, when her heard her disapperate collapsed to his knees, tears spilling over.

Without her there was only one course of action Severus could see, six hours later he was bleeding from the nose with both eyes blacked from picking a fight the biggest bloke he could find at his favorite bar after drinking enough to make up for his month of sobriety.

Harry watched Hermione run up the stairs in tears, he felt a sting of guilt. He fixed some tea, Irish, and took it up the stairs to her. He found her sobbing into her pillow. Rubbing slow circles on her back he said "I brought you tea. C'mon, sit up and drink it."

Hermione did as she was asked, sniffling the whole time. Her eyes were red from crying. "Thank you Harry" she took the cup and took a sip, coughing slightly. "A little heavy handed tonight."

"You seemed like you needed it." he said brushing a hair from her cheek. "you want to talk about it?" she shook her head.

"Maybe later," she said. "I just can't right now."

"I understand. Ron and Ginny are coming over, we'll let you choose the movie." he smiled warmly.

"Say We'll get some pizza in here and you've got yourself a deal." she laughed wiping her eyes.

"Hermione!" Ron grinned. "I didn't think you'd be home tonight!" He wrapped her in a tight hug. She couldn't help but notice how different his arms felt than Severus'. She could smell his toothpaste. She drew away, feeling suddenly uncomfortable in his embrace. "I'm really glad, I missed having you around." He said warmly.

She looked into his face, properly for the first time in ages. His skin was tanned from the sun, his ginger hair short and mostly unkempt, curling wildly around. He had a few day's growth on his face and the red of his beard seemed to make his eyes an even more vivid blue. Blue eyes that crinkled at the corners with an unabashed grin.

She still hurt, no amount of smiles of kind words could ease the tightness in her chest in that moment. She mourned, not for her relationship with Severus, but the feeling of normalcy and purpose he gave her. She put on a smile for her friend, that she did not feel in her heart.

"I will have to come to as many movie nights as I can to make up for it." she said.

The days passed and Severus found it harder and harder to not start drinking before noon. He Felt like he couldn't drink enough to drown his pain. When he dragged himself out of bed that day everything hit him like a ton of bricks. It was May first.

Come tomorrow it would be the anniversary of the battle. The anniversary of the day he should have died. He was supposed to go to Hogwarts, there was a memorial ceremony going on. He'd promised Hermione they'd be there together. As he lay in his bed that morning willing the earth to swallow him whole he knew one thing. He'd not be at that memorial.

Hermione woke May second with a heavy heart. The memories flooded back to her, bringing hot tears to her eyes. She dressed and found Harry in the sitting room, in a similar state.

"Tea." Harry said when he saw her in the door frame.

"Do you think tea fixes everything, Harry Potter?" she asked with a watery chuckle coming to sit by his side.

"course." He shrugged. "Are we English or are we English."

"Well given the options I'd say we're English." they laughed, but the laughter quickly turned to silence. They sat there for a few moments lost in thought. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I should be asking you that." she sighed.

"Hermione," Harry put his arm around her and pulled her close. "Don't deflect."

"I think I'll be okay." She leaned her head on his shoulder. "As long as I can get through today."

Later that day, in their nicest dress robes they were gathered on the Hogwarts lawn, speeches were given, mingling and conversations were had. The highest point in the evening was Bill's patronus, apologizing for missing the event but announcing the birth of his first born, a daughter named Victorie.

Harry couldn't shake a feeling at the back of his head. He hadn't seen Severus. Excusing himself while Hermione was distracted by Weasleys and sharing tearful memories. Making his way quickly to the gate he apparated to spinners end. Once inside Snape's home he found the man.

"Oh Snape, you bastard, what have you done?" Harry whispered pressing two fingers to his scarred neck. A faint pulse. He had a needle sticking out of his arm, his skin was cold and blue. He looked almost dead. Harry grabbed the paraphernalia strewn about and shoved it in the nearest cigar, then he grabbed Snape nd hefted the sinewy man over his shoulder before apparating away.

He took the man straight to a muggle A&E, "I need Help!" He shouted walking in with the man, there was a rush to action around him as harry laid him out on the nearest table. Grabbing a doctor Harry held out the box. "I found this by him, one of those needles in his arm." More shouts, more action. Harry moved out of the way, finding a place to stand and wait. Muttering under his breath "come on Snape. Come on.

It seemed like hours, it wasn't, but eventually a Doctor came out to talk to Harry. A steady beeping on the machine. "He's out of the woods for now. Are you his son?"

"No, He's...He's like a uncle. He and my father were in the Gulf together. I check in on him sometimes, because I know he's struggling." Harry said smoothly.

"I see," The doctor said nodding sympathetically. "Self medicating can be fairly common among veterans. Does he have any family?"

"No. no one." harry whispered. "Can we get him into a treatment program without being family?"

"well that depends." the doctor said , taking a moment to think. "Do you feel he overdosed on purpose? As an attempt on his life?"

Harry didn't even need to think about it. "Yes."

when Severus awoke he was informed he was on psychiatric hold and subjected to all manner of questioning to assess his mental health. The questioning didn't get far before Severus was flinging bed anything within reach screaming obscenities.

Harry came back later that day and found him in one of his screaming fits. He took a deep breath and walked into the room. " It's nice to see you so full of energy." He said clicking the door closed behind him.

"Potter." He growled. "I did what you asked, I broke it off with the girl so why are you here tormenting me yet again?"

"How do you think you got here?" Harry said waving his hand around the room. "It would seem I live to torment you."

"You should have let me die." Snape said falling back onto his pillow. "Why can't you or the little chit ever just let me die?" He closed his eyes and a tear fell. Harry sighed and slid a chair up to his bed.

"You've got a lot of years left, it'd be an insult to all that you've done to let it end without some kind of reward."

Snape scoffed. "Maybe death is my reward." He looked over at Harry. "Why are you here anyway? Isn't it enough to get me stuck here now you have to sit here and stare at me?"

"I actually had some good news for you." Harry said sitting back casually, like it was a Sunday evening chat between old friends. "If you get into a treatment program, and are under the care of a licensed mental health professional you don't have to be here."

"I could go home?" He said hopefully.

"No." Harry, said, Severus 'Hrrumphed.' and crossed his arms. "But you can go to an treatment facility, until you complete a program. Get clean and then, then you can go home."

"Sounds like utter hell. I'll take death please" He drawled dramatically.

"Oh but you haven't heard the best part." Harry said with a smirk. "I found you a facility with a doctor who knows all about our world. You can be totally honest with her without breaking the statute of secrecy or getting locked up for being totally mental. She's a squib."

Severus sat quietly for a few minutes. He knew it wouldn't be any use, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was a lost cause. "what makes you think it's going to make a difference. I've already tried more than once."

"Because this time you aren't trading in one addiction for another." Harry stood up and patted him on the shoulder, "Dr. Noble will be here this afternoon to start your intake paperwork and schedule your transfer to the facility, It's up near the Isle of man, should be pretty nice. I'll come up and visit you."

Harry made it all the way to the door before he heard Snape speak behind him. "Potter...Thank you."

Harry found Hermione curled up on the sofa of the sitting room staring blankly at the telly. She was in the most hideous fuzzy, pink tiger striped pajama pants he'd ever seen in his life, eating directly from a pint of ice cream.

"Well this is honestly the most depressing thing I've ever seen in my life." He said striding into the room smiling. She flung a scatter cushion at him. "Staying in again?"

"I think so, I'm already comfy." she said pointing at her pants.

"Ginny and I are going out tonight, date night." He looked over at her and noticed the slight sadness in her eyes. "But Ron mentioned he didn't have plans tonight and he may swing by and hang out."

"Oh...Yeah that's fine, I'll be here, with my ice cream, watching Robot-wars." she smiled at him and Harry could see there was still a bit of pain around her eyes.

Harry apparated off to The Burrow to pick up Ginny for their date but pulled Ron aside first and had a quick word before they left.

"What was that all about?" Ginny asked taking his hand.

"I'm just worried about Hermione, she's been feeling down lately, I just suggested Ron pop in on her while were out. " Harry said before they apparated off.

"Hermione!" Ron said happily, walking into the sitting room where she was now wrapped in a blanket. "I brought Donner Kebabs from that place you like." He said holding up a take out bag, "and I thought if were having Kebabs and Robots we need to finish the night up right so I brought some of Honeydukes finest." he held up a second small bag.

Hermione was shocked, at first, but smiled broadly. "That's so nice of you Ronald!"

"It's nothing, besides when was the last time we just spent an evening hanging out like this, just the two of us?" He said unpacking the take out bag and handing her a white foam box. She cracked it open and took a deep breath and sighing with a smile.

"I don't think we have in a long time." she said tilting her head a little.

"Well, we'll have to change that." Ron said popping a chip in his mouth. "So what have I missed?" He said pointing to the Robots smashing each other on the telly. She filled him in and they soon were cheering for them, laughing and talking as they did.

Hermione felt better than she felt in a while, she remembered how at ease she always felt with Ron. She never feared his reactions, and it seemed as though he'd grown emotionally since the day they'd kissed deep in the chamber of secrets.

"So, How's life been in the Aurors?" she asked pulling her wild curls back into a thick ponytail.

"It's alright I guess," He said, taking a sip of pumpkin juice. "I actually don't think it's for me, now that I'm in the thick of it. I really thought I needed excitement and danger, but I'm starting to see I don't need adventure to be happy."

"What will you do?"Hermione asked wrinkling her brow.

"George asked me if I wanted to come work in the shop, He needs a hand and really working in a joke shop sounds like a pretty good time." He smiled wistfully.

"Do you think you would be happy though? Just working in the shop?" Hermione asked. "I thought you wanted to play professional quidditch and date pretty girls in every city you play."

Ron couldn't help but chuckle before sitting forward and looking in her eyes. "Hermione, I don't need all that to be happy, I never did. Maybe as a stupid kid I thought that was the success I needed, but this, right here? I could spend every day like this for the rest of my life."

Hermione bit her lip, unsure of why her heart was pounding, "And all the pretty girls?"

"There's only one pretty girl for me," He said, "I'm just waiting for her to want me back."

"Oh." she said quietly, not realizing she was leaning in to. "How long have you been waiting?"

"Since I scared her off talking about marriage after our first kiss." He reached out and grabbed her hand. "I realize now that was more adrenaline and trying have some control over my life, not exactly a smart move on my part." They both chuckled. "but I know now that taking our time, learning about each other and getting our lives in order long before that's even a thought again."

She didn't even think as she flung herself into his arms, kissing him. He returned the kiss with a fire she'd never felt before.


	4. sobriety chip

**Whew! ok here's chapter 4! I know I said this was the last one but I lied! there will be probably one more after this. **

**I have to say I was a little surprised by the reviews on the last chapter because Hermione and Snape's relationship was meant to subvert the genre where they do the whole beauty and the beast thing where she fixes his issues just by love. I wanted them to fix themselves and I wanted a friend (harry) to recognize their unhealthy behavior and not be afraid to step in. **

**As for Ron well... I am sorry it cause such a visceral reaction lol, I'm also trying to subvert the idea of Ron bashing just because Hermione is with Snape. I wanted him to be a mature adult. **

**all in all I'm pleased with the story. and I have a nice way to wrap it up that should be posted in couple days. thank you for sticking with me after the last chapter!**

She woke the next day next to Ron, his muscular body stretched out next to her. She carefully sat up to look closer at him, she thought maybe she could count the freckles on his back in the warm light that streamed in the window.

At some point in the night before, between their passionate kiss and waking tangled and naked in the sheets, she found herself giving him instructions, taking an active part in their lovemaking. And it was lovemaking, she could feel his love for her in his every breath, and she knew she loved him. Every single aspect of the night felt entirely different from Severus, but it felt wrong.

Ron woke and interrupted her musings, rolling over and looking into her warm brown eyes. "Hey." He said groggily. He sat up and pulled his boxers back on before sitting up and looking at her. "Last night was everything I've ever dreamed of since I fell in love with you all those years ago."

"It was wonderful." she agreed blushing.

"I'm totally open to doing it again anytime you want," They both laughed at his comment, but he quickly turned serious and brushed her hair out of her face. "but something didn't feel quite right did it?"

She let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "You noticed that too?"

"I Love you, and I'll always love you, but it felt like I was doing something wrong." Ron said.

"Like us being in a relationship is wrong? No matter how much we love each other?" Hermione asked feeling the weight lift from her.

"Exactly! I mean we should try again for science or whatever, but we probably shouldn't date." Ron laughed, Hermione's giggles mingling with his own.

Severus sat across from a severe looking woman glaring at her with all his might, although the white hospital scrubs he wore detracted greatly from his menacing look. Dr. Noble was slightly older than him. She dressed in a slate gray suit, her black hair cut in a bob. She held a notepad in her hands and simply sat, legs crossed, leaned slightly forward watching him, waiting.

"I have no desire to discuss my mother." He finally snapped.

"I didn't ask you about your mother, I asked you to tell me about the first time you started using drugs and alcohol as a teen." She made a note on her paper, "Tell me when she passed?"

"The summer I graduated from Hogwarts." he ground out.

"And that was around the time your usage when from recreational to daily?"

"Yes." He hissed, not liking how easily she read him.

"How did she die?" She was writing many notes now, not even looking at the paper as she jotted down words.

"She put her head in the oven, very Sylvia Plath."

"That sounds very traumatic for you. How did your father cope?"

"He dried out long enough to bury her."

"So your father is an alcoholic too?" she asked, Severs swore under his breath. He refused to believe she wasn't some sort of legilimens. He decided not replying was safest."I can see were done for today, I'll see you in group after lunch." He got up and quickly walked out, his feet carrying him all the way outside to the courtyard where he lit up a cigarette.

He breathed a sigh of relief taking his first drag. They were only allowed to smoke and outside during daytime hours and every night was like torture, waiting for the morning to come and the doors to unlock so he could smoke.

He'd created a level of distance between himself and the other patients, by being his usual charming self. It was only the first week but they now gave him a wide berth which he was pleased with. He felt a hard tap on his shoulder and turned to see an orderly.

"You have a visitor Snape." sighing and stamping out his cigarette he followed the large man to the rec room where a young man with wild black hair was waiting for him. "This must be your son." he said motioning to the man before walking away before Severus had a chance to correct him.

"You look like Hell." Harry said looking the man up and down.

"That's because I'm in hell." Snape growled. "especially now that I have to deal with your arrogant ass."

"Your cheerful disposition is always a joy sir" Harry deadpanned, Snape merely grunted in return falling into the nearest chair. Harry followed suit, and continued. "I went to your house and cleaned it out, no drugs, no alcohol on the property at all."

"I'm sure you did your best." He sneered, confident potter missed his hidden joints.

"A little Accio goes a long way, plus I had Kreacher come help me give it a good scrub. Its all gone." He said sensing Snape's smugness, knowing he was right as he watched the older man deflate a little. "I don't expect you to fall over thanking me. I know how much you hate me right now."

"I'm sure I could surprise you." Snape said coolly. "How is Granger?" He asked carefully looking at the floor.

"I haven't told her you're here." Harry said, "She took it hard when you cut it off, cried for days."

"I only did what you told me too." Snape said defensively.

"I know," Harry held up a hand, "and when I saw how much it hurt her I wondered if I had been wrong about you."

"You weren't" Snape said quietly. "I don't love her, and I don't know if I ever could. She's better off."

"She's doing better, She and Ron had a little fling," Harry noticed a flash of jealousy cross the mans face. "But they've decided to stay just friends, I didn't ask for details though. Since then she's been almost back to her old self though, she's even seeing a therapist too. I think she's finally healing."

"Good." Snape said swallowing hard.

"I think we you may have been a little wrong."

"How's that Potter?"

"I think you didn't love her, but you could." Harry stood up, " You know, once you stop wallowing in your own self destruction. See you later Snape!" he said brightly walking away.

"Potter?"Severus called, Harry turned back around and raised an expectant eyebrow, "Fuck off." there wasn't so much malice as Snape not appreciating the boy calling him out, Harry just smirked and walked away.

As he sat there watching potter leave he couldn't help evaluate his feeling toward the girl. He didn't love her. He knew that without a doubt, but he couldn't deny he missed her. Not just her body, he missed her mind. He realized the entire time they were together they never discussed anything remotely

intelligent. She never longingly gazed at his book shelves, or tried to pick his brain about potions.

They would talk about pointless things and have sex. In the moment it had seemed perfect but he realized just how broken he was to have never noticed her so far removed from her usual self. He realized if he hadn't been so intent of running from the ghosts he might have noticed she was running from her own and it felt like he had failed her.

He didn't live her, she didn't love him, that was true, but he could have. The realization that he was indeed capable of love seemed to mend him ever so slightly, and he knew it was time to stop running.

When he returned to spinner's end four weeks later he immediately set to work, He called a charity truck to come haul away all his parents furniture, and spent a few weeks sleeping on a transfigured pile of his old teaching robes while he painted each and every room, before finally buying slightly newer furniture from a different charity shop.

He dove back into brewing, securing a deal with an apothecary looking for a supplier of ready made potions. It was usually only pain relievers and pepper up potion but it kept him busy and he made himself available for special orders that gave him something interesting to do.

Every other Wednesday he'd apparate back up to the isle of man to see Dr. Noble, Thursdays were meetings in a brightly lit church basement with other addicts and Fridays Potter would stop by, at first just to check up on him but eventually it became a standing lunch appointment.

Harry would ask him about his week, then fill him in on what Hermione was up too. Their most recent meeting came with the news that she had earned a place in the Minister of magics support staff. She was thriving in politics according to Harry Although Snape kept his distance he had to admit he still missed the girl.

"I want you to come to my engagement party this weekend." Harry said as they were finishing their lunch.

"I'm sure your other guest will be much happier if I'm not in attendance." Snape said taking a bite of sandwich.

"Snape." Harry said reproachfully. "I want you there, you need to start socializing anyway. So don't give me your pity party line that everyone hates you for living and come sit around awkwardly in my sitting room with all the rest of the people who felt obligated to come."

"You make it sound so hard to resist." He said dryly.

"Fuck you Snape." Harry said holding back a laugh.

"I'd hate to spoil you for Miss Weasley." Severus smirked as Harry choked on the pumpkin juice he'd been drinking. What had started as Harry's sheer tenacity to insert himself in peoples lives had become a begrudging friendship built on insults that neither meant.

"Somebody is cocky." Harry said when he recovered. "Anyway you can't get out of it, Its at Grimauld place tomorrow at four."

Snape sighed and sat back. "I supposed I'll see you tomorrow then. Although Merlin knows why you inflicted your presence on me today if I'm forced to see you tomorrow as well."

"Because you secretly want to fuck me." Harry said with a wink, this time it was Snape choking on his pumpkin juice. "On that note, I need to get back to work. See you tomorrow!" He said clapping the coughing man on the shoulder and walking out.

The next day Hermione came down the stairs dressed for the party, her wild hair twisted up into a clip with the ends spraying out like a fountain, she wore a simple light blue sundress and tan wedges.

"You look great!" Ginny said brightly as she came into the kitchen, "I still need to go change. Can you help Harry finish up the last tray?" she said pointing to the canapes Harry was carefully putting together.

"Of course!" Hermione made her way over to Harry started helping him skewer cheese cubes on toothpicks. "Did your cousin and Aunt get back to you about the party?"

"Yeah, They'll be here." Harry stopped stabbing and turned to Hermione. "Snape's going to be here too."

She hesitated but kept moving, focusing on the repetitive task. "Why did you invite him?"

"We're sort of friends," Harry said, "He's been clean for about a year now. We have lunch once a week to catch up."

"I'm glad he's doing better." she said tightly not looking up. She felt as though seeing him would take her back to the damaged lost soul she had been when she thought she loved him. She had spent the last year focusing on herself, finding her passion for politics and creating her ten year plan, which poised her to run for Minister for Magic. She couldn't afford to be distracted by a barely functional man child.

"I thought it was fair to warn you." Harry said as wards rang distracted them. Ron came in, hand in hand with Luna. The two had been casually dating for the last two months, and were a really good fit for each other.

The four made quick work of preparing the last of the canapes and setting the party up. Hermione was distracted from her thoughts on Severus as the guests started arriving and soon she was engaged in a conversation with Andromeda Tonks about Teddy. She didn't even notice him arrive.

He spotted her quickly, noticing immediately that she was more beautiful than he remembered. He'd been so taken by her he didn't notice the familiar face to his right until she spoke.

"Severus Snape." He closed his eyes, he knew that disdain well, although he hadn't seen the face that went along with it since she was a small girl.

"Petunia Evans." he turned to her much to his surprise realized he felt no ill intent for the woman.

"It's Dursley now." she said, her face much more pinched that he remembered.

"So I had heard." he poured himself a pumpkin juice and offered her one, which she refused. "I am actually quite glad to see you." he said and her eyebrows shot up into her hair line in response. He couldn't help but chuckle. "I'm in a 12 step, and part of that is making amends with the people I've wronged. I'm sure you can imagine I've been on this step for quite some time."

"I'm sure they don't mean the silly things we said as children." she said sniffing a bit.

"It's more than that, I think I owe you and Harry apologies more than anyone. He knows what I've done, but its time you knew." He guided her to a quiet corner and told her all about how he had been the one to put the target on Lily, how he had been spending the rest of his life trying to protect Harry and then trying to bury his pain.

By the end Petunia wasn't looking at him, her jaw was clenched and he could see tears threatening. "I know simply saying I'm sorry isn't enough, she was your sister and in more than one way I took her from you and I can never make it up to you."

"You said you spent your life protecting Harry?" she said quietly.

He nodded. "I spent almost his whole life working as a double agent, getting information to the order and feeding as many false trails as I could to the other side. I nearly died in the final battle," He pulled back the collar of his shirt to show his scars. "got my throat ripped out by a giant snake, but Potter and his friends saved my life."

"I can't pretend I'd be my sister's favorite person if she were here, but I do know that she'd thank you, for protecting Harry. You don't have to make amends to me, If Harry forgives you, then so do I." Petunia said looking at the man.

From across the room Hermione had been talking to Harry when she noticed Severus talking to the thin brunette. Harry noticed her staring and turned to see what had caught her eye.

"Shit!" He whispered.

"Who is that talking to Snape?" Hermione asked

"It's my aunt."Harry looked mildly panicked. "I forgot they knew each other as kids."

"I wonder what they are talking about."Hermione said studying the man. He looked good, he had put on some weight, since she had seen him last. He wore a simple white collared shirt and charcoal slacks. His hair was longer now and pulled back at the nape of his neck. His face was animated as she talked to Petunia, whatever the conversation was it caused the both of them to laugh. That was the final straw for Harry who left Hermione's side and made his way over to them.

"Potter!" Snape said seeing him make his way over, His eyes darted past harry and saw Hermione standing there still staring, he made eye contact with her briefly before she quickly looked away, getting caught up in a conversation with Luna.

"I have to admit I'm a bit curious whats got the two of you over here laughing." Harry said coming to stand next to the pair.

"I was just telling Severus about that time you blew up Aunt Marge." Petunia said with a little giggle.

"I still don't know why you're laughing." Harry said confused, staring at his Aunt as if she'd grown a second head.

"Oh please, you weren't the only one who hated that woman!" Petunia said with a hint of exasperation. "Since Vernon passed the only bright spot for me has been knowing I'll never have to play hostess to her and that mongrel again." Harry couldn't help but burst out laughing.

Severus excused himself from the two who looked as though they wanted to do a bit of catching up on their new found commonality and found himself a quiet corner to sit in and sip his pumpkin juice. It didn't take long before she was standing beside him in silence. There was a strange tight feeling in his chest having her so close to him. He almost felt he couldn't catch his breath.

"Miss Granger." he said tightly trying to maintain his composure. He lasted all of thirty second before turning to face her. "Oh sod it all! There is absolutely zero reason to sit here and pretend we don't have things to talk about."

"Do we have things to talk about Severus?" she said coolly, he could tell from her clipped tome she was no longer intimidated by him and he found that actually made things easier.

"Yes we do. I owe you an apology first of all for the abysmal way I treated you." he said honestly.

"I seem to recall 'stupid bint who was fun for a fuck' were the words used." she said raising an eyebrow.

"Not my proudest moment," he sighed. "actually that goes for the majority of my adult life, but that moment really sticks out."

She leveled a hard gaze on him, and he felt his heart beat harder. "I am in a good place in my life right now." she said harshly "I'm not wasting my nights tiptoeing around your temper any longer."

He visibly wince at her words, feeling them echo in his head. He reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a poker chip. Reaching forward he grabbed her hand and thrust the chip into it.

"Whats this?" she said confused.

"It's my one year chip." he said leaning back against the wall behind them, wishing in that moment he had a cigarette to have anything to do with his hands. He ended up shoving them in his pockets just to stop himself from fidgeting. "I'm an addict. I've been sober for about a year, thanks to Potter, much to my constant dismay."

She stared at him with an unreadable expression, he almost felt dissected under her gaze. He felt he would never get used to being scrutinized so freely. "What was the catalyst?"

"I overdosed." he said, feeling a tinge of shame creep up the back of his neck. "I took heroine again, much more than I should have and was barely breathing when Potter followed some bizarre instinct and

found me. I am fairly certain if he saves my life again I'm obligated to give him my first born child." she didn't reply so he kept talking purely from nerves. "I admit I handled things wrong, but I know we weren't good for each other back then. Who knows how bad it would have gotten had we continued."

Her face softened a little and finally she nodded. "You do look good." She said softly.

"I was going to say the same for you." he said with a smile. "Politics suits you. I've heard you're bucking for Minister."

"Not for ten years at least, I need to make a name for myself first." She said.

"Hermione bleeding Granger needs to make a name for herself?" he laughed "What is it your hoping to do aside from helping save the wizarding world?" she chuckled at his antics.

"I had actually started working on a legislation to create a child welfare office within the wizarding world, too many kids fall through the cracks in our world simply because the default belief is the parents know best. No one is checking in on high risk children." He was stunned by her and couldn't form a sentence to reply, thankfully she realized this and changed the subject. "What are you doing these days?"

"I'm brewing again." he said happily. "just basics, but the occasional special order comes through. And makes things interesting. I may start doing research again, now that I'm clear headed."

"That's wonderful." she said with a smile. He felt the air get thin again when she looked at him with that smile.

"I find myself utterly devastated I've never been on the receiving end of that smile before now." his voice had gotten rather husky.

She flushed crimson and found herself worrying her lip. Despite everything he still affected her on a primal level.

"Do you want to sneak out of here?" she whispered taking a step closer.

"No." he said, her eyebrows shot quickly up and she stepped back embarrassed that she may have misread the situation. He quickly grabbed her hand. "Please don't misunderstand, what I mean is I'd like to take you out, on a proper date, I want to hear all about this legislation you're writing, and I want to get to know you."

"Oh..." her eyes were wide, looking up at him, her lips slightly parted. He pulled her close and kissed her unable to her stop himself. When they pulled apart there was a collection of giggles and they realized the whole room had stopped everything when the couple kissed. Harry was smirking, with Ginny beaming at his side. It was Ron who broke the silence.

"Huh...well that makes sense actually." He said entirely nonplussed.

"Potter, My sincerest congratulations on your engagement, I will forever be heartbroken it didn't work out between us. We'll always have Paris." Snape called out as he took Hermione's hand and started toward the door. "I wish I could stay longer but I can't bear it any longer, Miss Weasley, take care of him. Now if you'll excuse us, Hermione and I have a date to get too." they reached the door amid the sounds of shocked whispers and laughter.

"Hey Snape?" Harry called out as he reached the door. Severus and Hermione turned around and Harry smiled and said "You're welcome."

"Fuck you Potter." Snape replied with a laugh before walking out the door. "And now I believe I taking you on a date." He said.

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around whatever that was." she said with a laugh.

"The art of distraction, they are in there, talking about what just happened. While we are out here, not being subjected to questions." he said proudly.

"How very clever of you." she laughed.

"Indeed." he took her in his arms again, "Now our first date." He kissed her. "I know a fantastic little bookstore in the isle of man that I've often thought of bringing you too. Shall we?"

"Indeed" she said kissing him again as they apparated away.


	5. one day at a time

**I think I'll finish this up here, but I think I'll revisit this version of the couple at a later date but I have ideas for other stories to start, including a quantum leap/harry potter crossover that's burning a hole in my brain, so be on the look out for that. **

**I am rather pleased with how this story came out but as always I look forward to your thoughts. **

** if you are finding yourself struggling with addiction please reach out, the first step is always hard but help is out there. **

Snape was leaning against a tell shelf stuffed with books, casually perusing a copy of Romeo and Juliet as Hermione searched carefully through every tome as though they were each an elusive treasure. She stood up with a small stack of books and the biggest grin.

"I see you found some light reading." Severus quipped closing his book. "The Plight of Vulnerable Children in Welfare and Protective Service." he said reading the cover of the top book.

"I have been doing research into the muggle system, as I write my proposal." she said. "It's far from perfect, but it will serve as a base for what will hopefully be the department of Children's and vulnerable adult services."

"Its a noble pursuit." He said taking the stack from her hands and carrying it for her, "Do you anticipate much resistance?"

"Honestly if we can spare resources to 'the muggle ready excuses' Office then we can devote funds and office space to ensure kids aren't leaving Hogwarts to spend summer hols going hungry or living in extreme neglect." she said, her voice rising ever so slightly, indicating this was a topic she was immensely passionate about.

At the Register Severus insisted on paying for the books, remarking "Let me contribute something to the cause." once outside the store she shrunk the bags and slipped them into he pocket.

"Thank you again Severus." She beamed. "How did you find this place?"

"The center I went to rehab in is close to here, I still come back here once a fortnight for therapy. On the nights I wasn't ready to go home I'd walk around and enjoy the sea air." he saw her shiver slightly as the sun was starting to go down and put an arm around her as they walked slowly toward the quiet public beach. "I suppose it was inevitable I'd find a book store during those walks."

"Its a far cry from where we met again last year." she said staring out as the shimmering water. They sat on the warm sand and watched the sun start to sink. Severus took a handkerchief out of his pocket and quickly transfigured it into a shawl for her bare shoulders. "Thank you."she said as he wrapped it around her.

"I think back on it and can't believe how vile I was towards you." He found he couldn't look at her face, fearing some sort of rejection, so instead he looked down at the sand. "I was using you. I knew that you weren't in a good place so I exploited that because when I was with you I could almost pretend I was worth caring about."

"Oh Severus." she reached forward and took his hand. "I was using you too. I needed a sense of purpose and you made me feel wanted. I convinced myself it was more than it really was. Believe me I spent more than a few hours with my own therapist about it"

"It was definitely more one sided than that." he said, rubbing a small circle on the back of her hand with his thumb. "I can look back now and see that, I remember that last weekend, how possessive and controlling I was becoming and how afraid you looked."

There was silence for a few moments where he had to take several deep breaths to be able to continue. He still stared hard at the ground, but he knew there were silent tears running down her cheeks because she kept reaching up to wipe them away.

"I had seen that scene so many times, my mother crying and cowering and my father is a rage berating her and putting his fists through walls...and then through her." He couldn't stop the tears that spilled over now. "I tried to not not become him, but I still managed to. I know now it's something I need to work at, I'll always be an addict but I don't have to live that way. I'm so sorry, this is a terrible way to have a first date." he said wiping his eyes. "There is a chippy just down the way, are you hungry?"

"Actually famished now that you mention it." she said also wiping her eyes. After he helped her up and they'd dusted the sand off their close she grabbed his hand and pulled him close to her. "Severus, I'm very happy you feel safe confiding in me." she whispered as she kissed his cheek. She pulled away and in something of a daze he pointed the direction they were headed as they started to walk.

After a moment he asked about how she was finding working for the Ministry and they spent the rest of the walk discussing politics, which lead to more conversations covering everything from philosophy to literature, each conversation leading them smoothly to a new topic eventually they found themselves on a park bench, lit by the warm glow of the streetlights trading bad jokes and laughing til they cried.

"I could tell you a joke about Orion's belt" Severus said, the biggest grin lighting up his face. "but its so bad."

"How bad could it be?" Hermione said coaxingly.

"Only three stars." He said it a shrug and waited. She groaned and slapped her forehead.

"How did I walk into that one!" she couldn't help but grin at his unrestrained laughter. "Well what's the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

"Do tell." he said.

"I don't know and I don't care." He responded with a groan. "Hey! Its better than my joke about the pencil!"

"I don't recall a joke about a pencil." he said confused.

"Oh, well that's because its pointless." she replied causing another groan.

"Okay I assume that one was payback for Orion's belt?" he chuckled, he casually took her hand and intertwined his fingers in hers.

"You assume correctly." The laughter was soon replaced with a comfortable silence, listening to the gentle waves on the nearby beach as he traced slow circles on her arm. "Severus?"

"Yes love?" he murmured, lost in the moment, entranced by the trail of goosebumps he left with every caress of his finger.

"Take me back to your place." she whispered.

He didn't need telling twice, wrapping her in his arms he apparated them both straight into his sitting room. He'd never felt his heart beat so fast, not even his occlumency could quell it. She looked around, taking in the changed he'd made in the last year but he only had eyes for her. She took his breath away in a way he'd never experienced and he wanted to drink it in.

"It's so different!" she said gracing him with her bright smile. "I would hardly believe its the same place." she looked around at the bright robin's egg blue walls, the old furniture replaced by a modern sectional sofa. The small dining table that was once covered in records was replaced with a slightly larger table, that was still covered in records, but there wasn't a bottle in sight.

When she looked back at him she felt her breath catch by the intensity of his gaze. She took a step towards him and slid her hands up his chest and kissing him. His own hands slid up her back, releasing her hair from it's clip and sliding his hands into it.

Their kiss became more passionate and soon he was leaning against the table suckling and nibbling her neck and ear drawing squeaks and moans from her. She snaked a hand into his tented trousers and began stroking his rapidly hardening length. He groaned when she pulled away from him, missing the way she felt in his arms immediately.

She took him by the hand and silently lead him upstairs, the heated gaze she cast over her shoulder at him at the top of the stairs was finally too much and he swept her up bridal style into his arms kissing her as he did so. They made love for the first time, their bodies moving together, burning with every touch until they found release screaming each other's names.

They fell asleep tangled up together, Hermione wrapped in Severus' arms, listening to his heartbeat as he drew more lazy circles on her exposed flesh. When he woke the next day, he found she was still wrapped in his arms. Carefully he extracted himself and crept from the room grabbing his discarded pants as he did so. Pausing to pull them on outside the bedroom door he felt his wards buzz as Potter apparated onto his door step.

"Potter." He whispered pulling the door open, having barely zipped his trousers only moments before. "checking up on me? She's still sleeping."

"It's noon." Harry said wrinkling his brow as he stepped over the thresh hold, looking Snape up and down as he did so.

"Told you I could ruin you." Snape replied smirking.

"I'm going to ignore that." Harry said, causing Snape to chuckle. "You seem to be in a very good mood."

"I am." he said without a trace of sarcasm. "Tea?" He said as he put the kettle on the stove.

"Please." Harry replied, Severus pulled down three mugs.

"You haven't told me what brings you here." He said

"Blatant curiosity." Harry replied honestly watching Snape pour three mugs of tea. He set the milk and sugar out as he usually did, letting Harry customize his own. "I had to know how the date turned out."

Severus took one of the mugs and added two sugars and a hearty splash of milk, Hermione's preference. "One could have assumed it went well considering she didn't return home last night." He said with a smirk. "Excuse me, I'm going to take this up to her." He said walking out of the room.

Harry sat and sipped his tea listening to sound of Snape foot falls on the floor above. The creak of the bed, the mumbled talking. He was grinning when Snape came back down, this time with a shirt on.

"So..." He said leaning forward on his hands, batting his eyelashes at Severus. "It went well huh?" Snape tried to roll his eyes and look bored but the smile that tugged at the corners of his lips gave him away.

"Yes. It went well."

"I'd say it went more than well." a voice said from the doorway. Hermione had come down wearing one of Severus' shirts. He couldn't help the grin when he saw her. "Harry Potter, you are the nosiest person I've ever met." she said with a hint of laughter.

"I can't help it if I'm invested in the happiness of my friends!" Harry said defensively.

"Well I can say I'm very happy." Hermione said sliding her hand over Snape's, linking her fingers with his. "Severus, are you happy."

"I am very very happy." He said looking into her eyes. The new couple temporarily forgot Potter was there as Hermione closed the distance between them for a kiss.

"Well I think I'll just go." Harry said awkwardly.

"Is that all it takes?" Snape said chuckling. "All this time I wanted to be rid of you all it took was kissing a beautiful woman?"

"To be fair your previous method has been just telling me how much I'd enjoy a turn with you. Can't blame me for hanging around with promises like that, but I can see there's no room in your bed for me now." He said in a dramatic flourish earning a laugh from everybody in the room."Movie night tonight, We're getting 'The Man in the Iron Mask' Severus, you should come too."

When they were alone again Severus stood up and pulled a carton of eggs from his fridge. "Breakfast?"

"Please." Hermione said with a smile. "So should we have the talk?"

"The talk?" he replied slightly worried.

"You know the obligatory 'what are we doing' talk." she said, "Normally I wouldn't bring it up but given our...history, it seemed prudent."

"I see." He felt slightly panicked but hid it as he casually cracked eggs into a bowl. "and given our history I would defer to what you want."

"Well that's simple then." she said casually taking a sip of her tea. "I want to be with you."

"And what does that entail?" he asked, not looking up from the eggs he was now whisking.

"Many many nights like last night and many mornings like this." she said smiling up and him. "A relationship, with all the things that go along with it. Everything from ridiculous pet names to awkward double dates."

He exhaled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Oh thank Merlin." He stopped whisking and gathered her into his arms kissing her soundly. "I fully intend to to do all those things."

"Ridiculous pet names even?" she giggled.

"I'll accept 'Lover', 'sexy beast', or 'lord of orgasms'." He said smirking.

"I was thinking snookums." She said with a straight face and he wrinkled his nose in disgust. "no? How about sweetcakes? Sugar booger? Stallion?"

"Stallion is passable." he said laughing. "but only at home, My jewel, my goddess, little dove? No... Sex kitten. That's the one."

"I think I prefer goddess." she giggled. He kissed her again deeper this time, pouring himself into the kiss. When they parted he pressed his forehead to hers.

"You are a goddess. You take my breath away just by smiling. My heart races just thinking about kissing you." He said breathlessly. "I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life making you smile."

"So is this the real you?" she whispered. "not a construct."

"This is me." he replied. "I still know fuck all about being a decent human being but I'm learning. I'm slightly less crude when I'm sober and I have zero reason to hide behind walls and masks now. I'm forever a work in progress Hermione. I can't promise it's always going to be bliss, but I can take it one day at a time."

"I wouldn't want it any other way." She said pulling him into another kiss.


End file.
